JRN+2


 * January 10, 2012 **

"Making the Journey" Pages 20,33,39,63

I. In my first journal, I talk an awful lot about how my bossy nature sometimes made me rather hard to hang out with as a kid. Though I would beg to differ, and my friends still lie and say that it didn't really bother them, I know I may have had a few qualities that could have been improved upon. That being said, when I look back on my childhood I find myself thinking about the idea of always wanting to be accepted. Whether it was wanting to be accepted by my friends or my family or my parents, I constantly struggled with wanting to please everyone so they would like me.

To this day, this is a trait I still find myself possessing. I oftentimes find myself asking when does it become enough? When will I get to that point when I really don't care what other people think about me? Was it because of my childhood when I always questioned what others thought about me that makes me like this now?

That brings me to my next thought, is it those childhood memories and feelings that never go away that mold you into the person you become? Are the qualities we have as adults a result of childhood memories or are they qualities we are born with? I think back to the negative memories as well as all of the positive memories and can pull strands out of each event that have made me into the person I am. The sixth grade talent show made me more confident and willing to try knew things. Getting into constant screaming matches with my mom, taught me patience and understanding. Growing up with separated parents makes me absolutely, intensely scared about marriage and commitment. The interactions between my parents and step-parents made me realize the importance of understanding and doing what is best for your child. Having three best friends that were always at my side makes me want to stress to my kids the importance of surrounding yourself with positive people.

I think about these memories and these events that have shaped me into the person I am. I think about how I want to be as a parent and as a wife. I look at the positive effects my parents had and how I will try my hardest to model those. I think about things they did that I have a lot of resentment towards and I can only hope that I learn from their mistakes. I want to wake up everyday happy about the person I am and knowing that all of those adolescent memories has an effect on who I am.

II. The first aspect I found myself deeply considering was the very first idea: The compulsory nature of school and your English class. Christenbury is right, both attending school and attending English class is a requirement. No matter what is on the students' own personal agenda is for the day, sitting in your fourth hour English course is a forced course. I can picture the students coming into my class only excited about the gossip they heard at lunch rather than the exciting themes I am going to introduce to them about //Romeo and Juliet.// The teachers that are able to get the exciting response from students that they so deeply long for, will be the teacher that makes all of the difference. The teachers that stood out to me, the teachers that I vividly remember, did just that. They made themselves stand out and become one of their own. A teacher that I wanted to model after and actually learn from. Christenbury also points out that English is also not an option. When they can choose from art, health, fitness, web design, shop, I think I can make a clear assumption that great novels is not a class they want to be sitting in. Which is why we, as teachers, need to find that stepping stone, that connecting bridge that gaps the feeling of student to dictator. Or student to somebody who doesn't really care. We need to offer the advice and environment that students long for when they walk down the dreaded hallway each day. We have to tell ourselves that we are not just teachers, but teachers of English, who are their to make a difference. Ways to get past this first force-field is obvious: make students want to be in your class. Make them want to come and sit down and learn. To do this, teachers must create an open environment where your students feel comfortable. Furthermore, they must create a world of positive and valuable energy. Students also need to feel like they are learning information that is somehow applicable and relevant to their lives. The constant question of, whey do we need to know this? will be the number one asked questions and it is our job to find reasoning and explain to them why. The second aspect that I found myself considering was the final topic that everyone loves to discuss and debate: standardized testing. As a terrible, terrible test-taker, I can attest to sheer ridiculousness of the importance that is placed upon such a ridiculous concept. The idea of learning only to do well on the test, or to pass the GRE only to get into a good college, or to work so hard all through high school so that you have a good G.P.A. are all goals that we race to get to and then what? I think back more about testing and what grades I got in high school than in the classes I was learning from. Americans thrive on this, it was the way our country has raised us and as teachers, there is seemingly nothing we can do about it. We are teaching so that our students do well on tests so we can receive money to give back to our students. This vicious cycle seems never-ending and we are put through the ringer to become successful. Before I realized the importance of standardized testing, I constantly questioned my moms teaching abilities every time she talked about test results. I was under the impression that if you taught the material well enough, the results of the test would prove your teaching ability. However, as studies have shown, this is not always the case. In fact, it rarely is. That being said, as teachers of English, such a controversial topic, we have an even more troublesome curriculum. Creating a balance is essential, but creating a classroom is crucial.

III. This journal entry came at the most fateful time. When I was a sophomore in college I met a boy. Classic love story, or so I thought. I was too young, he was too wild, but there was a fleeting moment when I specifically remember, I think that I love this boy. The next few years were quite the whirlwind and between other relationships, my obvious fear of commitment, and his longing to travel made everything quite difficult. Nonetheless, there was a few classic romantic movie moments that made it worth holding onto. Over the past few months our relationship has rekindled and this time, I finally feel as though timing and fate has finally made me want to grasp at something that once felt unreachable. As of two weeks ago, this boy moved to Montana. Before he left we discussed what we would do and how we would make this work. During this discussion, I asked him if it was worth it? What was is it about me that made it worth the long-distant battles? In his response he named a few qualities that fit into this category perfectly and I couldn't agree more. He said, "You are passionate, determined, confident, energetic, and outgoing." All of those words would be exactly how I would describe myself, to a T. Almost every aspect of my life is filled with passion. I have this notion that many people love something half-heartedly which is something I have never understood. Why care at all if you have feelings that remain missing? Whether it be my education, my career, my friends, my future, I never strive to do something that I don't love. That being said, I have always been determined. I have a set of goals and I always make sure to do my best to complete all of them through constant determination. When I began college, I knew I wanted to move to Chicago. I worked really hard all throughout college and during the summers to land a job in Chicago. In the fall, I plan on doing my student teaching there and beyond that, live there for as long as I love it. I also, for the most part, have a outwardly level of confidence. I know that I can finish any task in front of me and I do that because I have the belief that I will. Confidence is something that comes natural to me and when I see others with a more meek and timid personality, I know that I am lucky to have this nature. I am also very energetic. Perhaps it is because of my self-diagnosed symptom of A.D.D or because I just really am a happy-go-lucky girl, but I really am quite the ball of energy. I always want to be the life of the party and make sure that everyone is satisfied and enjoying themselves as well. Along with energetic, I am very outgoing. I love to meet new people and make friends with everyone. I find learning and connecting to others is crucial in creating a successful society. As far as being a good teacher, I think that all of these qualities will establish a great learning environment. I think my passionate attitude is very important. If you don't care, your students know. When I teach, I want them to learn and by placing value on the importance of my lessons, I will hopefully help my students to be equally as passionate. I know that my determination to succeed will also be very valuable in the classroom. When I see the student that constantly struggles, I will be determined to strengthen their learning capability. Finally, my energetic and outgoing personality will also be very important. I want to be the teacher from //Freedom Writers// not the teacher from //Charlie Brown.// I want my students to be equally as excited when the enter my classroom as I am when they walk in!

<span style="color: #154be5; font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 12pt;">VI. After writing a journal about the personality qualities I have, I feel like I will be able to emotionally and socially help my students in most ways. However, the one area I do hope to not fail my students is more based on intellect. Though I am smart, I have to work really hard. It is not something that just comes easily to me and though I will be able to relate to those students, some will probably know more than me. This is something I truly fear. <span style="color: #154be5; font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 12pt;">I want to make sure my students gain everything they can from my classes, but what if they don't. What if they get into Freshmen Comp, and think back to everything they never learned. I want to be the gateway for my students to feel like they are better readers and writers when they leave my classroom, but what if it isn't enough. What if my creative activities, and fun writing prompts fail them. <span style="color: #154be5; font-family: Georgia,serif; font-size: 12pt;">Not having successful students is something I am sure every teacher fears. I know that i will bond with emotionally and socially, I have that comforting nature about me. But what about when they don't do well on tests or quizzes? What if they get to the ACT and no nothing in the reading section. It is the fear of failing my students intellectually that scares me the most.